Bye Bye Baby

In the days and weeks following my brothers passing I am finding each day to be a roller coaster of thoughts and emotion.  This is what it is to grieve.  It is strange to me to be feeling so many things since we weren't close these past years, but there is a long deep connection of growing up together - times long past, times of innocence long before there was anything else.

 It is in the remembering that there is sadness for what could have been and never will be.  There is anger too, followed by a wry smile recalling some deviousness, some prank.  Yesterday I looked briefly through the journals he gave me and put them away, not yet ready to read them through thoroughly. Instead I played the last song we listened to together and had a little dance to lift my spirits.  The lyrics are apropos.

I am reminded of a poem that helps me when emotions rush in.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Rumi