It's cloud illusions I recall

"Life is but an illusion". My Dad used to say this. I remember hearing it most often when I was struggling to understand something that was a particularly hard lesson that I had come to him to talk about. While it may seem from some perspectives that he was brushing off my troubles, in actuality he truly believed that the idea of "life as an illusion" or "impermanence" would help me see that I should not struggle or worry.

I miss my Dad's wise words. The way he could make me feel calm in times when I was upset. He knew what I did not; that it would pass. That the trouble that I faced at that moment would not be the one I faced a week later. All of it would come and go.

I wish his life now was an illusion, but then again perhaps it is. He often believes that he is still on Purusha. This illusion that his brain has created gives him a sort of contentment. It makes me happier to know he does not fully comprehend that he is in a nursing home. I often dream that he is here living with us sitting at the kitchen table doing crossword puzzles and leaving a trail of toast crumbs everywhere; that he is healthy. That my dream will never be reality is a sad reality, but I think of him and what he would say about this and I am comforted.  

Like clouds, nothing in life stays still or the same for long. All life is ever moving and changing and when we let go of trying to hang on, trying to keep things from changing, it is when we can more fully appreciate the moments that give us happiness and let go of those that don't. Both will come and go.

I watched the clouds and thought of my Dad.

Rows and flows of angel hair

And ice cream castles in the air

And feather canyons everywhere

I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun

They rain and snow on everyone

So many things I would have done

But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow

It's cloud illusions I recall

I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels

The dizzy dancing way you feel

As every fairy tale comes real

I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show

You leave 'em laughing when you go

And if you care, don't let them know

Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now

From give and take, and still somehow

It's love's illusions I recall

I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud

To say "I love you" right out loud

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange

They shake their heads, they say I've changed

Well something's lost, but something's gained

In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now 

From win and lose and still somehow 

It's life's illusions I recall

I really don't know life at all

I've looked at life from both sides now 

From up and down and still somehow

It's life's illusions I recall

I really don't know life at all

Joni Mitchell