The Wisdom in Silence

I see the snowflakes gently falling outside the window, I smell the bacon my daughter is cooking in the kitchen, I taste the bitter-sweet of my morning cup of tea, I hear the laundry going round in the dryer, I feel my heart beating evenly and slowly, and body asking me for the releasing stretches of yoga.  I feel peaceful this morning in a way that I haven't in weeks and I realize that it is because I have finally fully dealt with and accepted something I have been resisting understanding and accepting because it hurt too much.  

I have been paying very mindful attention to myself in the past few weeks.  Spending too much a lot of quiet time analyzing  reflecting on my reactions, behaviours and beliefs.  

Mindful attention means taking the time and the effort to spend some quiet quality time with yourself.  Looking deep within and dealing with what you find there.   This is not an easy process for most people and certainly has not been for me.  It takes courage and perseverance to work through the layers of life experiences and to get to the important stuff that is buried somewhere deep within.  The stuff we haven't properly dealt with.  The shit stuff that sits there just waiting for the trigger that will bring it front and centre.

"HELLO!!!  REMEMBER ME???"

Quiet time is just that.  Quiet.  No distractions of the television, music, the computer, a book or any other method we routinely use to distract ourselves from our own thoughts.  Quiet time is just that. Quiet. You, silence, and your thoughts and feelings.  

We live in world of distractions.  Of cramming our lives with activities and entertainment.  We jam it full  to the point that we are overwhelmed, stressed and perpetually exhausted.  Our lives fly by in a whirlwind of commitments and appointments.  Rushing from one thing to another.  We "unwind" with yet more distractions never fully giving our mind the quiet rest it needs so that we can listen... really listen... for the guidance for your life and body that is there within.

Much of my own  life experience is a similar one of cramming my life full so that I couldn't feel, see, or need to deal with what was going on inside me.  

After my horrible second marriage ended,  my life was crammed full with a new house, new job, my Father's illness and many other things that completely consumed every single day for well over a year.  Stressful as all that was those things kept me busy and distracted enough that I didn't have the time or the energy to spend time dealing properly with the fallout from my marriage.  Once things settled down a bit instead of just having some quiet time I decided to cram some other distractions into my life.  These were what I refer to as positive distractions (learning to play guitar, learning yoga, photography, etc.) but they were distractions just the same.  

New Years Day 2012.    "HELLO!  REMEMBER ME??  I am the pain, fear and resentment you put away somewhere deep inside.  Are you going to shove me back in and put some more stuff on top or are you going to deal with me now?"

The answer was NOW.  

It was hard.  There were buckets of tears.  There was anger, frustration, and hurt.  There was not understanding, blaming and  hating myself.  Then  finally there was release  - of old beliefs, of outdated needs. And now, the beginning of loving myself and my life again. Quiet time is now part of my every day.  The shit stuff that needs to be faced will be met every day.  

 "Hello.. here I am"