Born This Way

Not thin enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not popular enough, not athletic enough, not rich enough, not artistic enough, not brave enough.

NOT ENOUGH.

At one point or another I have thought all those things about myself.

At what point in our lives do these thoughts seep in?  These harsh opinions of ourselves?

We are not born this way -  disliking and disrespecting ourselves. It happens somewhere along the road of our childhood. Perhaps reinforced by our caregivers, our peers, or the ideals our society looks up to.

At what point can we look at ourselves and know that we are good enough? We are not perfect but we are OK as we are. 

Love your body and treat it well with good healthy food, exercise and enough sleep.
Love your mind and give it rest by quietening it.
Love your spirit and do the things that make you feel joy .

I will admit that I am not Lady Gaga's biggest fan although a few of her songs are pretty catchy and fun to dance to.  I find her a bit over-the-top.  I do, however, have a lot admiration for anyone who supports self respect (Born This Way sends the right message) and uses their own fame get that message across to our most vulnerable - our teenagers.

me.. born this way .. age 47

me age 40

me age 20

me age 10

An Ordinary Life

Like most people I live an ordinary life.  I don't strive for - or particularly want - extraordinary -  fame, fortune or otherwise.   Each day I wake up with the simple thought that I would like this day to be as good as I can make it, better than yesterday, and memorable in some small way.  Often, it all falls apart by the time I am heading out the door to work (ha ha) -  it goes something like this.. wake up, think positive thoughts, read for a couple of minutes, do some yoga,  then remember that I have no gas in the car (damn) and nothing to make sandwiches (damn again) and geeze what to wear to work?  Then I remember.. this is life. This is my life to make the most of or not, ordinary or not. 

These days I  truly find that it is the most ordinary everyday moments that bring me the most joy.  The quiet moments on weekend mornings before everyone else has stirred, the way the morning sunlight hits the copper pots and pans hanging in the kitchen, the smell of an un-rushed cup of coffee, making Hilda's banana muffins* to go with that coffee, a sunny day walk in my neighbourhood, enjoying a movie night cuddled with the kids.  Lots of little ordinary things that = joy.

Last autumn I took a photography course with a most extraordinarily lovely and creative superhero - Andrea Scher.  Though we learned the technical stuff,  the biggest lesson I took from her was how to train my eye to see things differently. To find beauty in the most ordinary things.  To look at the way the light played upon my subjects and to see and capture the joy.  I use this lesson for both my camera and my life and it is not a lesson I will forget.  Life gives us magic and beauty every day - it is all in  how you see it.  

Pretty tulips giving me a burst of spring joy 

I am taking part two of this course and it is fittingly called Elevate the Ordinary.  I am sure that Andrea has many more photography and life lessons for me.


Hilda's Banana Muffins

Hilda has been my bosom friend and kindred spirit for 25 years. She passed this recipe to me a long time ago and we have been enjoying them ever since.

3-4 ripe bananas
6 tablespoons vegetable oil or melted shortening
1/2 cup white sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1 egg, well beaten
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder

Mash bananas, add oil, sugar, salt, egg and vanilla.  Mix well.
Sift flour with baking soda and baking powder.
Add sifted dry ingredients to banana mixture.
Stir until moistened and spoon into muffin pan lined with muffin cups.
Bake at 350 degrees F for about 17-20 minutes.

Enjoy!

All You Need Is Love

Love is a precious gift.

Hold it carefully. Treat it gently, kindly.

Love expands our hearts and lights our path.

Love is our connection to the Universe.

What the morning brings

Early winter morning at Port Credit Marina

Early morning has always been my favourite time of the day. Perhaps for the simple reason that the beginning of the day feels like a renewal, a new chance, and a fresh perspective. 

The morning is our blank slate. Our new page.  

We are the writers in our own life story and each morning brings us a chance to start a new page, a new chapter, or a new book.  

The day is ours.  The pages are ours.  The pages can be separate, each day a short story if we so choose.  Or, the pages can be a continuation of our yesterdays or the dreams for our tomorrows.  

What will you write today?

The Wisdom in Silence

I see the snowflakes gently falling outside the window, I smell the bacon my daughter is cooking in the kitchen, I taste the bitter-sweet of my morning cup of tea, I hear the laundry going round in the dryer, I feel my heart beating evenly and slowly, and body asking me for the releasing stretches of yoga.  I feel peaceful this morning in a way that I haven't in weeks and I realize that it is because I have finally fully dealt with and accepted something I have been resisting understanding and accepting because it hurt too much.  

I have been paying very mindful attention to myself in the past few weeks.  Spending too much a lot of quiet time analyzing  reflecting on my reactions, behaviours and beliefs.  

Mindful attention means taking the time and the effort to spend some quiet quality time with yourself.  Looking deep within and dealing with what you find there.   This is not an easy process for most people and certainly has not been for me.  It takes courage and perseverance to work through the layers of life experiences and to get to the important stuff that is buried somewhere deep within.  The stuff we haven't properly dealt with.  The shit stuff that sits there just waiting for the trigger that will bring it front and centre.

"HELLO!!!  REMEMBER ME???"

Quiet time is just that.  Quiet.  No distractions of the television, music, the computer, a book or any other method we routinely use to distract ourselves from our own thoughts.  Quiet time is just that. Quiet. You, silence, and your thoughts and feelings.  

We live in world of distractions.  Of cramming our lives with activities and entertainment.  We jam it full  to the point that we are overwhelmed, stressed and perpetually exhausted.  Our lives fly by in a whirlwind of commitments and appointments.  Rushing from one thing to another.  We "unwind" with yet more distractions never fully giving our mind the quiet rest it needs so that we can listen... really listen... for the guidance for your life and body that is there within.

Much of my own  life experience is a similar one of cramming my life full so that I couldn't feel, see, or need to deal with what was going on inside me.  

After my horrible second marriage ended,  my life was crammed full with a new house, new job, my Father's illness and many other things that completely consumed every single day for well over a year.  Stressful as all that was those things kept me busy and distracted enough that I didn't have the time or the energy to spend time dealing properly with the fallout from my marriage.  Once things settled down a bit instead of just having some quiet time I decided to cram some other distractions into my life.  These were what I refer to as positive distractions (learning to play guitar, learning yoga, photography, etc.) but they were distractions just the same.  

New Years Day 2012.    "HELLO!  REMEMBER ME??  I am the pain, fear and resentment you put away somewhere deep inside.  Are you going to shove me back in and put some more stuff on top or are you going to deal with me now?"

The answer was NOW.  

It was hard.  There were buckets of tears.  There was anger, frustration, and hurt.  There was not understanding, blaming and  hating myself.  Then  finally there was release  - of old beliefs, of outdated needs. And now, the beginning of loving myself and my life again. Quiet time is now part of my every day.  The shit stuff that needs to be faced will be met every day.  

 "Hello.. here I am" 

Loss

Does anyone ever get better at it?  Does it get easier?

We know that loss is part of life.  It is inevitable.  Nothing stays the same.  Nothing is static.  Our lives are ever evolving and changing and part of change often involves loss, letting go, saying goodbye.  To people we love, to places, to ideas, to dreams, passions and hopes.  Saying goodbye never seems to get easier.  No matter how much we prepare ourselves, no matter how much we "know" it is the way things are. No matter how much we train ourselves for acceptance how do we make it easier?

If we are hurting because we have lost someone, let this pain remind us to enjoy every moment with those you love because life is fragile.  If we are hurting because of shame or regret, let the pain remind you to live with authenticity and integrity.

In memory of "our Dave"

Missed but not forgotten

with Love from the Angels

Early Spring? Bring it on.

Although it has not been the harshest of winters, I am still more than ready to say goodbye to boots, coats, gloves, the cold, the grey skies and the short days.  I was pretty happy when Willie did not see his shadow this morning.  Not that I believe in that stuff.

I need something to give me hope that the sun will once again warm my skin (and not just though the kitchen window).  I long for hours of daylight after arriving home from work.  I want to feel the grass beneath my - manicured for a reason - toes.  I want to wear summer dresses and have long cold drinks on the deck.  I want to run through fields of flowers (hey, doesn't everyone?).

I am sure there are plenty of people who enjoy winter (not that I personally know any of those people), but I am not one of them.  I will tolerate it.  I will try to make the best of it.  But I really don't like it.

Goodbye Winter.. Hello Spring!

p.s. Punxsutawney Phil -  I am choosing not to listen to you.

Attend to it, and it will flourish.

Do you carefully and lovingly prepare the earth, providing the nutrients that will enrich it and give your plants what they will need to thrive?

Do you carefully and thoughtfully pick out the plants, flowers and vegetables that you will enjoy because you love the colour, scent, texture or taste?  Do you adventurously and spontaneously plant something you have never tried to grow before just to experiment and have fun?

Do you carefully and tenderly care for your plants and flowers making sure they get enough water ; that they have ideal conditions to thrive? 

Do you keep an eye out for pests or disease that could harm them?

When you garden is in full bloom, at its peak, do you take the time to enjoy it?  To smell it?  To gaze upon it's glorious colours?  To feel it's textures?  To taste it? 

Do you tend to your life - your relationships - yourself with the same loving care?

"I mean, life is a garden, and when you do not yet see that your life is a garden you may not see your life clearly at all.  You are the garden, you are the gardener, and you reap what you sow.   

What will you make of the ground around that you - only you - can tend?  How will you share the place you never leave, the time you always have, and the peace only you can spread? 

You make everything true by bringing it to life, so be careful what you bring. Anger kills, bitterness poisons, greed spoils, fear stunts, and inattention withers.  Good gardeners cultivate a good earth. And where could that be but the very spot where you stand?"

an excerpt from Hand Wash Cold
Karen Maezen Miller